1
Jul
2010
L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Why would anyone ever read this book? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? O.K., say you’re a fan of “The Hills” or whatever (though I don’t really get that either…scripted reality? don’t you people have enough drama in your lives?). And say that since you’re a fan, you want to learn more about the show, some behind the scenes type stuff. You might then pick up a tell-all by Lauren Conrad. Sure, it’d be as atrociously written, but at least it might legitimately shed light on this show that you keep watching.
BUT WHY READ A FICTIONAL VERSION OF IT? Especially if you have to suffer through the the horrible horrible writing.
Perhaps if it’d had a thinner veil, if it were like an F. Scott Fitzgerald book, during which you might say, hey, I know who that character is supposed to be! But, because I’m not a Laguna Beach/Hills watcher, I wikipediaed that shit to find out who is who, but nowhere on teh internets could I find out in what ways are they based on Conrad’s real life(ish) peeps, or what is what in terms of story arc, and having read wikipedia’s synopses of the aforementioned pseudo-reality shows, I can not really see the resemblance of plotlines.
On the other hand, kudos to Conrad for coming up with something semi-original.
But the writing is unpalatable. It starts out with a a sentence so gag-worthy I almost couldn’t go on, despite the Horrible Dare Challenge (which I assure you, is the reason I read this damn thing in the first place):
“Jane Roberts leaned against her dresser, studying the way her white silk nightie looked against her sun-kissed skin. Her loose blond curls cascaded softly over her shoulders as she pretended to be interested in the guy in her bed.”
Throughout the book, Conrad gives us such gems such as:
“She glanced at the phot again. She knew that if she went through with this, she’d be crossing a line she wasn’t sure she was ready to cross. She wanted to be number one. She deserved to be number one. But these photos would destroy Jane’s reputation, her career, her life. Did she really want to be responsible for that kind of devastation?”
If this were a soap opera, here is where there would be a close up of the character holding the pictures and staring out into the distance.
Speaking of cliches, let’s talk about the characters. Jane comes across as so genuine, kind-hearted, naive, that you want to take off a shoe and throw it at her to see if there’s any other dimension beneath. Madison is an heiress, who has an innate need to be famous. Gaby is Latina, and therefore dumb and comes from a broken home. Scarlett’s parents are doctors (psychiatrist and plastic surgeon, respectively) and therefore emotionally distant. D is gay and therefore flamboyant (though this is a wholesome book, sex and drinking notwithstanding, so of course it’d never say he was gay). If these characters are based on people in more ways than old friend, new friend, mean friend, blue friend, then maybe this is art imitating life (though to call either “art” or “life” is a stretch).
Finally, let’s talk about the pacing. By the cliffhanger of the book, I had no idea where in the season of the show they were. The first 100 pages were pre-show. Any growing apart between Jane and BFF Scarlett was shown in their sighs that they were, well, growing apart.
Will I read the next two in the series? Fuck no. Let me go ahead and just tell you how it ends: Jane discovers Madison is a bitch. She and Scarlett reconnect. She has to choose between Jesse and Braden and chooses Braden. She decides that privacy is more important and leaves the show. Probably Scarlett leaves the show first. Now you don’t have to watch the movie that’s coming out, either.
If you like this book, author, you might like:
(my reviews in blue)
Sweet Little Lies: An L.A. Candy Novel by Lauren Conrad
Sugar and Spice: An L.A. Candy Novel by Lauren Conrad
The Carrie Diaries by Candace Bushnell
The Hills: City of Angels by Andrew Perry
The Hills: Lessons in Love by Lila Stewart
Laguna Beach: Life Inside the Bubble by Kathy Passero and Beth Efran
The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Richie
Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose by Paris Hilton
My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict’s Attempt to Discover If Not Being A Dumb Ass Is the New Black, or, a Culture-Up Manifesto by Jen Lancaster
Other works by Lauren Conrad:
Sweet Little Lies: An L.A. Candy Novel
Sugar and Spice: An L.A. Candy Novel
Lauren Conrad Style
Ha! I love reading about how much you suffered. Horrible Dare is like the book blogger’s version of Jackass in which we all stand around pointing and laughing at the other’s pain.
I contemplated doing the Horrible Dare Challenge … and went so far as to get this book and “Shiver” from the library. But then I started this one and thought “Why am I wasting my time on this?” and I returned them. But, I have to admit, it makes for a fun post!!!
OMG, this seems like a highly melodramatic book of cliches. Hilarious. No thank you! Sorry you had to endure this for your dare!
I’m going to guess you didn’t like this one! LOL Thanks for your review – I think I’ll skip it.
I had to avoid this review until I’d written my own, otherwise I’d just do a mash-up of yours and TY’s and DEFINITELY steal the ‘old friend, new friend, mean friend, blue friend’ line. LOLLERCOASTER!!!
I am significantly dumber now.
I adore The Hills and I also really admire L.C. because she’s so sweet and courteous – nothing like Kristin who’s really snappy in my opinion. Whatever Lauren does, I will always support her every time.